Going for a win-win result - a guide to being assertive

"The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others”

Sharon Anthony Bower

It is interesting that many people still confuse being assertive with being aggressive. How about you? Have you learnt the difference? Forgive me if you have, but for those of you who still aren’t quite clear, here is a quick guide to assertiveness – going for the win-win result.

Assertiveness is a behavior or skill that helps you to communicate, clearly and with confidence, your feelings, needs, wants and thoughts, whilst acknowledging the needs of others. It means that you are able to state your opinions without feeling self-conscious, as well as being able to express your emotions openly. Being assertive will enable you to make clear to others how you wish to proceed in all aspects of your life. At the same time you will value others, respecting their right to an opinion as well. Through effective, assertive communication you will be able to express how you wish to move forward.

Is there an issue that needs to be resolved? Before confronting someone, why not write down what you are going to say? Be polite, concise and include the following elements: the nature of the problem; how it affects you; how you feel about it; what you want to change. Be prepared to negotiate if necessary to bring resolution. By using tact and foresight and by making the effort to see the other point of view and acknowledging it you will place yourself in a position of strength. Be prepared to offer a compromise if that fits in with what you are aiming to achieve. Assertiveness does not mean digging your heels in for the sake of it!

Are you behaving passively? Do you think it is selfish to say what you want? Do you worry that if you refuse to do something, then people won’t like you? Or do you think that other people should know what you want? Sorry. Most people are so wound up with their own thoughts and worries that they usually haven’t time to be second-guessing you. By being clear and prepared to defend your own position if necessary, you will be able to build better relationships with those around you.

Feeling aggressive? Take it out in the gym, on a punch ball or on the running track rather than at work or at home. Aggression is emotion out of control and can be very destructive. A physical activity can help you to diffuse the aggression.

One of the great skills of an assertive person is the ability to say “no”. Be brief and to the point. Be honest. If you know an unwelcome request is coming your way practice saying “no” in advance. What are you going to say and do? If necessary, use the ‘Broken Record Technique’ where you just keep repeating your statement softly, calmly and persistently. Don’t confuse rejecting a request with rejecting the person making the request. Most people are happy to accept an honest “no” if it is expressed appropriately. The first time will be the hardest!

Practice the body movements of an assertive person. When standing, be upright and relaxed with open hand gestures. Relax your facial features and make firm and direct eye contact with whoever you are communicating with. This does not mean that you spend the day grinning! Your facial expression needs to be appropriate to how you are feeling, so that you don’t give out any mixed messages. If you are pleased, smile, but if you aren’t so happy with the way things are, feel free to frown.

Show a willingness to explore other solutions than your own if necessary. Encourage creativity from all. “How can we solve this problem?” will encourage others to tap into their resourcefulness. Sometimes it just takes a bit of encouragement.

Weigh the costs. Telling other people how you feel also makes it easier for them to communicate their feelings to you. Assertiveness is about acknowledging that all opinions are important – “I matter and so do you”. By being passive or aggressive you will lose out. Being assertive costs nothing but brings many benefits. You will be able to communicate better, command respect and be listened to within respectful, negotiating relationships. Win-Win? Definitely!

Joseph the dreamer overcoming life s challenges

Now Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, because he had been born to him in his old age; and he made a richly ornamented robe for him. When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him.

Genesis 37:3-4

Of all the the bible characters I have come to love--- one amazing man would have to be the first in line. His life was very interesting and continues to give valuable lessons that are still applicable in our modern times. His name was Joseph ... the favorite son of Jacob... a man who had beautiful dreams ... the object of sibling rivalry.

In the story, Joseph was always the center of his father's love and attention. Jacob even gave Joseph a colorful coat or garment that came to symbolize how special he was in his father's eyes. Later on, he would pay for his father's foolish actions. Joseph's brothers resented him because he was the favorite son. Jacob, the father, had two wives, two concubines, and twelve sons --- all competing for his attention. Joseph's family drama have all the makings of a t. v soap opera...with various episodes of jealousy, hatred, deception and self-interest. Reading the account of Joseph's life is like being glued to the t. v screen full of anticipation about what will happen next.

Joseph, “the dreamer,” once told his brothers about a dream that a day would come when they would all bow down to him. This dream made his brothers grow more angry towards him. One day, Joseph was sent by his father on an errand. Specifically, Joseph was tasked to visit his brothers who were working in the field. Some accounts say that his brothers plotted to kill him but later decided to throw Joseph into a pit. Joseph's brothers also took his colorful coat and wiped it with animal blood. They later lied to their father by saying that Joseph died after being attacked by wild animals. After some time at the bottom of the pit, Joseph was picked up by traveling merchants and later sold him into slavery.

The young lad was later sold by the merchants to Potiphar, one of the Egyptian Pharaoh's trusted leaders. As a worker in Potiphar's household, he became distinguished in his labors. He was later appointed supervisor over Potiphar's household. The story takes a drastic turn when Potiphar's wife falsely accused Joseph of attempting to sexually assault her. Of course, Potiphar's wife did this to get back at Joseph who repeatedly warded off her sexual advances. Enraged by the accusation, Potiphar sent Joseph to prison.

In prison, Joseph again found favor by being able interpret the dreams of the Pharaoh. The Pharaoh was so full of stress and anxiety about the horrible dreams he had and the visions he could not understand. Through Joseph, the Pharaoh was able to understand the economic implications of his dreams for the land of Egypt. Later, he was appointed governor of Egypt. The famine that struck the land where Jacob and his sons lived became the reason why they were later reunited. Reconciliation between Joseph and his brothers paved the way for Jacob to again see his son.

This remarkable story shows how we, like Joseph, must cling to faith even in the most trying circumstances. Stress and anxiety need not stop us from believing that God has forsaken us and that we have been left alone in the middle of all our troubles. Indeed, overcoming life's challenges is a journey of trust, faith, and perseverance that all of us must take. Like Joseph, we can also dream great dreams and live up to our fullest potential.